Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   Hey, women that wear any lipstick darker than red: No.

   This year, I'm thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.

   Orange is the new Black, so....Have a great Orange Friday

   Pretty bad when your dog farts so loud he has the nerve to turn to see where the noise came from.

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   Black Friday shopping is unnecessary when you already did your shopping on looters Tuesday.

   BLACK FRIDAY, when people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they already have

   I was gonna stop flashing, but think I may stick it out, for a bit longer

   Are you allowed in Starbucks if your computer is not a Mac? - asking for a white girl

   Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy.

   I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present

   There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   Single girls, who are you wearing matching panties and bra for? Singles guys, who are you wearing clean underwear for?

   I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

   Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

   We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.

   Colonized means "Inhabited by a foreign race or power." Inhabited means, "Lived in." Foreign means, "Not from your country." Just in case you're struggling with that one, Yank. You're welcome.

   What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A lift