Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are there no mirrors in the self checkout?.....Slow people, take your time to get that jokke....

   Bill Cosby shoved pudding pops up my a$$, then things got weird.

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   If a baby comes out with an Afro, is that considered Natural child birth?

   Victoria's Secret: She vomits after every meal.

   My safe word is: I have 3 kids!

   It's funny how a baby who wakes to eat and goes right back to sleep is a good baby yet, this is is definition of a crummy husband!

   Women may never understand the enjoyment from putting a warm coffee mug between their legs in the morning. ‪#‎warmnuts

   Kim Kardashian's daughter must be wishing she was on that missing malaysian plane

   Beware the "filters on every selfie" woman.

   Never date a woman over 35 whose cats are named after fashion designers.

   "Don't try to understand everything. Sometimes it is not meant to be understood, just accepted"; it means, I need money, or I'm idiot, or I'm crazy.

   Walked into Walmart and met a woman who had one callus on her toe. Does that make her a unicorn? Imagine that You can see unicorns at Walmart

   Should Dave Ramsey's website take credit cards?.... I wonder...

   I sometimes wonder.... Is the word tofu, short for " tried-to-fool ya?"

   Life is more fun when you are on coffee or drunk.

   Kim Kardashian has already taught her daughter everything she knows.

   Look on the bright side Redskin fans...Anything is possible and maybe the Rams will trade three 1st round picks back for RGIII. ;)

   Life is great... I don't have kids, aids or ebola.

   I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s