Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taxticles: What the IRS comes for when you are out of arms and legs.

   I wonder what my dogs named me?

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.

   Wife: Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism? Me: [mocking voice] Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism?

   Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.

   Would never do the postcode lottery because you share with neighbours !!! There's no way on this fkin Earth would I shar

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story

   If you don't think the dog licking the floor qualifies as mopping, then we can't be friends.

   The heart wants what the liquor store has.

   My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.

   If you're wondering what to get Charles Manson for his wedding, he's registered at Bed, Bloodbath & Beyond

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

   It's been three days since bono's luggage fell from his private jet and he "still hasn't found what he's looking for" Eh?

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

   Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....

   When you realize Charles Manson is getting more play than you!

   You're just once young but you can be a fool for the rest of your life.