Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have the less $h!t you have to eat.

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car

   I have never seen a funnier headline than "Apple Releases Instructions for Deleting U2 Album It Provided for Free"

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.

   Dateline gives excellent tips on killing someone.

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   I think the scientific term for life is, "that's some bullsh*t."

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I'll just leave it there. I'm not hiding who I am anymore.

   I meant every drunken word... Whatever they were.

   The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

   You smell good. You are my new girlfriend now. You have 24 hours to get rid of your husband.

   I'm pretty sure it was ISIS that put the new U2 album in our iTunes libraries with hopes that Bono's voice would make our heads explode.

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   Breaking News: NFL is going to investigate the Falcons for Domestic Violence against the Bucs...

   I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   Peyton Manning had to be a pot smoker, why else would someone buy a chain of pizza stores for. Of course, for free pizza when he is high . . .

   If a white cop had hit Adrian Peterson's 4 year old son like that, cities would be on fire and stores would be looted...