Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls who wear jeggings with small shirts we get it, you give toothy blowjobs.

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   Wife: You bought beer again!? Me: It followed me home. It needed love. I adopted it. [whispers to beer] Say hello to mommy.

   if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

   I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.

   My life is like an 80s movie. Bad acting, some drug abuse, but a great soundtrack.

   You haven't lived until you've been physically escorted out of McDonalds at 4:47am by a 15 year old

   Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?

   Remember kids, drunk texting your ex at 2am for a booty call is the best way to show everyone that you've moved on.

   Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.

   If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.

   Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens

   One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?