Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.

   Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.

   If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.

   This Taco Bell breakfast taste like I don't get paid till Friday.

   It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.

   Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.

   Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.

   I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.

   Ugly ass kids should not be trusted to be left alone with their cute newborn brother or sister with potential. Jealous knows no age.

   Bill Cosby tried to rape my cat about 50 years ago, I just remembered.

   When I was in high school a selfie meant a locked bathroom and a box of kleenex

   If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I'd be doing a ton of spontaneous s3xual favors for random strangers.

   Memo to self: A Home DNA Testing kit is not a good shower gift.

   If I had a dollar for every time my world was rocked... Hey can I borrow 5 bucks?

   I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.

   My life is just one long improvisation.

   Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   No thanks speed dating. I'll settle for being awkward one date at a time.