Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some of you women need to stay out of my dreams, oh sorry.. I meant fantasies. . .

   If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.

   I wish people were more social on social sights. . .

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   Love is in the air. Try not to breathe.

   I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   I want to be buried with a Brontosaurus bone, so this way people will think that Dino (Flintstones) buried me...

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   I picked up my new iPhone today.......nah, just kidding......my droid had that technology two years ago

   England invaded us Scottish all those years ago and all you got was Michelle McManus, Men wearing skirts, fried mars bars and Asians with Scottish accent. However, we got Michelle Keegan, kelly brook, & warmer weather. Sounds like a good deal to me...

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   I wonder how many of the people who don't like that anti religion staus really go to church every Sunday and give atleast 10% of there income to the church. I bet not many

   I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"

   An app that tells you how much battery is left in your relationship.

   Marry someone funny. I'm serious.

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   So Scotland had a little case of premature emancipation. It's ok. It happens. Doesn't make you any less of a country