Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God America won the Revolutionary War or we'd all be speaking English right now.

   Never send laughter to do a medicinal job

   When OIL prices were high it was all "Obama's fault" according to Republicans. Now that they are low it is the market.

   I would rather read a spooky story than seeing someone using 'fingers crossed' expression.

   Why do you Americans have to involve race in everything? Leave it to the media to put ideas into your minds. The country/world will never know peace until we start referring to each other as human beings. One Love...

   If it ain't KRAFT Mac and Cheese, it ain't Mac and Cheese!!!!

   I've got 99 problems but being black ain't one

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   Drank so much coffee my ponytail has a heartbeat.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   Girls who wear jeggings with small shirts we get it, you give toothy blowjobs.

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   Wife: You bought beer again!? Me: It followed me home. It needed love. I adopted it. [whispers to beer] Say hello to mommy.

   if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

   I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.