Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?

   If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.

   A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

   If you cry all the time, you will save money on a tear drop tattoo.

   Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.

   My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.

   I just read an article that Black Friday in Ferguson was a smash hit....

   "Boy that Steve Buscemi is one fine looking fella" said no one ever

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors

   "Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her"; you mean she's a booty for me now?!

   Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you."

   Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

   My brain must think sleep= death... every time I try to fall asleep, my life flashes before my eyes. Well, the embarrassing bits, anyways.

   I'm the avocado of people. While you wait and wait for me to mature enough to be enjoyable, I sneakily transition into a disgusting mess.

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds.

   Throwback Thursday - A day to go fishing and not keep anything,