Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it, now it's in my kitchen microwaving Pizza Rolls and drinking all my beer

   One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though

   I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

   9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I 'm crazy. One hums ...

   my motivation is running naked with a drink around the pool ...

   I'm going to sit quietly in my room today and think about what I did

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   Can some tell my wife......Crying is blackmailing Yes, of the simplest and most straightforward form.

   I don't have a "9-5".. I have a "When I open my eyes to when I close my eyes..."

   I miss the life I planned in my head.

   My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   well since the Texas breakout Maybe I should go home sick with Ebola

   The dallas Ebola case turned out to be a false alarm. Apparently the person had just went to Taco Bell the night before.

   Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.