Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   When she pulls away, pull her closer. Women are just complicated like that.

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.

   Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   Kobe is about to pass MJ in points scored. He already leads 1-0 in rapes.

   This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"