Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like “what is a movie”

   I really hope 2015 is a better year.

   What if...lollipops moaned every time we licked them

   Dr. King's dream of murdering Asian and Latino cops is really coming to fruition.

   The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out

   To see my family over the holidays I have an appointment book. Just so there is no fender benders.......

   Hey let me give a gift that will take a week to put together. I have included the manual and a DVD....Have Fun

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.

   I was born inteligent but facebook ruined me..

   Today marks the two year anniversary of the end of the world... and I am still waiting. . .

   Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead a horticulture!

   Man walks into his therapist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Therapist say " I can clearly see your nuts"

   What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.