Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though." - american media

   Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   You may not love me now, but vodka.

   Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   Just because I'm in the friend zone doesn't mean we can't have sex... Oh, that's exactly what it means?

   When I have a bad day, I remind myself that beer exists.

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   *gets can of compressed air & cleans inside computer*....all my friends are online so I just gave all my friends a blow job

   Word of the Day: Eskiho - A girl who wears UGG boots and miniskirts.

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   You can't fight terro0rism with patience." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   "You can't fight terro0rism with sanctions." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.

   If she claims to be just one of the guys, compliment her mustache. If she laughs and buys you a beer, you, sir, have found a unicorn!

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.