Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know if they give awards for commercials, but that ad with Kate Upton riding a horse should win all of them.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts

   And you say the CIA should treat the terrorists with kid's gloves.

   The suicide vest bombing instructor at the Al Qaeda School of Martyrdom advised his students too "pay close attention because I'm only going to show you this once".

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   Not to brag, but my nickname at work is "do you think he's alive?"

   "I'm sorry your pet died. Can I come over for breakfast tomorrow?" - The world if pigs replaced dogs.

   I just spent 40 bucks on five organic pears at the farmer's market if anyone needs any investment advice or anything

   If any of you ever hit rock bottom, please bring me down some vodka.

   some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill

   Pay it forward, but with booze.

   I will put my phone down when you put yours down....Ready set.....Wait Someone is calling

   My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die