Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dream job is to drive Karma's bus.

   So blunt you could smoke me.

   It's hard to compliment a fake person without lying.

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   Facebook has been around 11 years. Which means there has never been a post about the Raiders making the playoffs.

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Because they're not. They're all looking at their phones.

   I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   I don't post pics of my girl and me on social media for a good reason. What if someone calls her ugly and I have to dump her?

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the nearest bartender to get a beer.

   No. Annie is WHITE. You got it all wrong.

   Apprently Screech will stab you to make you screech if you call him "Screech" in a saloon. Now I'm wondering how many Screech fans are in prison who would like to make Screech screech.

   My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011

   Taken 27 coming to theaters in January 2029.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. Who needs help being better than just average?

   Trying out a new diet. It's called "hungry as fcuk all the time."

   No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

   5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.

   Have you ever noticed that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it?