Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is

   Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   I'd have more money if I didn't buy that $20 shirt back in 2009

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   For best results use like way more than directed by your physician.

   [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"

   R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East

   saw my ex with her new boyfriend today, he has arms and legs just like I do, she seriously needs to move on. jeeez. he even has eyes.

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.

   I dream about naps.

   Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!

   Why can't they give scary names to typhoons? Like Chaos or Obliterator or Shaniqua. Vongfong sounds like something you've just taken out from a Chinese restaurant.

   I ran out of Anti-Depressants, so I'm drinking my bottle of No More Tears Shampoo.

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..

   the news asks why people would join IS? one word - obama