Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.

   This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

   Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned!

   We are exactly one year away from the release of Star Wars VII. #isthatightsaberinyourpocket

   I'm at that stage of not showering where you develop a sort of detached, clinical interest in how bad you smell and seeing how much worse it can getting.

   One page of funnies a day is ruining my status as a comedian.

   "Well, now I see how you cam up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   After enough vodka shots, a toddler bed is actually quite comfortable.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   No matter how bad life seems, just remember,,, You can order live bees on the internet.

   What if I told you I could make you talk like an Irish Sailor? Repeat after me: WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED

   If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.

   The year is 2016. The NFL has banned tackling. Players must apologize and say 10 nice things about each other after each penalty.

   It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.

   Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.