Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man walks into his therapist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Therapist say " I can clearly see your nuts"

   What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   IS has executed 100 foreigners trying to quit. Terrorists check in, but they don't check out.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small" ~ Mrs Grinch.

   Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

   Michael Brown lived a thug life and died a thug death. Let it go.

   The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

   Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   Please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito. Dammit the trainee is making my burrito.

   "But why?" - Me at weddings

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.