Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

   I'm old but I'm not stand-out-in-front-of-the-church-and-greet-people-as-they-come-in old.

   She had me at, " all three baby daddies are locked up!"

   And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.

   Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

   A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.

   Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.

   Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?

   I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do

   Why does my car want my ears to explode when I open a back window?

   Why are scary movies always in scary places like hospitals or creepy houses ? I want a scary movie at Walmart . "Clean up on aisle 13" "But sir ... There is no aisle 13 .." dramatic music

   Borrow five dollars from a woman and they will forget. Borrow a piece of Tupperware from a woman and they will hunt you down to every corner of the planet.

   If some people knew what I was capable of they'd surely be nicer to me.

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   During sex..it's perfectly fine to say yeah....yes....or oh yes over and over, but if you wanna mess with your partner..holler out YEP over and over

   They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. so ladies, be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.

   Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.

   How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean