Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe NYPD can use their new found love for back turning, the next time they see a dark skin person doing nothing wrong.

   Now there is a tradition on facebook of all my female friends sending me naked selfies at Midnight ok, Its not me fb insists.

   Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was RIGHT THERE.

   [sees a baby napping] get a job like the rest of us you lazy dwarf

   [In the car on first date] Her: So you're 27 Me: Yup Her: You don't think this is awkward? Me: No why? Hold that thought. Mom turn left here

   how do you even tell your girlfriend you want armpit sex? “babe, there’s this thing, wait, hold on your arm, stop asking what I’m doing”

   " You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot." I meant you and your friends!

   WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams

   You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   You laugh at me because I'm different but I laugh at you because you're all the same.

   Sometimes I get mad watching my parents spend my inheritance money.

   "I can't wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver

   I hate it when I shake it too hard & a drop of pee hits me in the face. These guys probably think it's my first day as a bathroom attendant.

   What Obama's secretary should have said, "Why don't you play #17 twice, its a nice par 3"

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   2015 Come on everybody let's party like a Cleveland Browns back up quarterback!!!

   Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect. ANYTHING!

   Relax, I only plan on violating you virtually, you sexy beast.

   Burger King!.... because every place else is closed.