Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Resolution was to watch less por...Damn, already blew that one.

   I still remember 2014 like it was yesterday!

   now if I can train my cat to eat dog poop, I will never have to buy pet food again

   I met my ex-girlfriend’s son today and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   My New Years resolution is to throw my hands up in the air......but this year I vow to wave them all around like I just don't care..

   My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"

   Too bad you couldn’t leave your ugliness in 2014.

   Phil Collins "in the air tonight" is not the most popular song in Malasia

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   New Year, New Me!!! my @ss, woke up and it's still the same me.

   I feel pretty damn good this morning, I made it 2 hours longer then my last years, New Years Resolution!

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucked yesterday, it’s probably still going to suck today in 2015...

   Why is it that people who are the most vocal about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Ok effff it, I guess I'll go ahead and say it first, "new year new me!"

   If you see your buddy drinking an apple beer, you are required to kick him in his vag.

   Sorry guys, no New Years party this year. Last year I got arrested for punching a guy in the face. When you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

   Happy New Year Facebook world! Keep the drama coming in 2015. Love it!!

   I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.

   If your a guy and you have sparkles on your face, be sure to stop by Victoria Secrets to pick out a bra and panty set to match your new bling.

   My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.