Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but names will never hurt me....simple advice to Islamic extremist, but it's hard to reason will those that believe there's a bevy of virgins waiting for them upon death

   In the epic battle of good vs evil, politicians are double agents.

   If two Chocolate bars are stuck together it counts as one - so shut up please!

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

   That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron

   I remember simpler times, when George Michael was straight, Prince was gay, and Catholic Priests could be trusted with young boys.

   Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   wondering if my HEART is healthy enough for SEX , volunteers needed.

   The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling underground from the sofa to the mailbox so I don't have to talk to any of my neighbors.

   If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one so shut your goddam mouth.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   It was a simpler time when we believed George Michael was straight and Prince was gay

   I just walked right up to him, put my finger over his lips saying 'shhhh.' That hobo was going to cuddle whether he wanted to or not.

   Not a huge leap between apes using long twigs to dig termites out of a nest and our recent discovery of the "selfie stick."

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad

   My safe word is letsgetmarried.

   I don't mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.