Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   In 30 years, it will be 1/23/45. Carry On.

   If people are against war get Michael Moore to say something so outrageous they will support it again.

   Obama deflated the balls so the news would talk about it all freaking day and not focus on real issues.

   American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.

   KEEP YOUR CAP LOCKS ON JUST IN CASE A DEAF PERSON READS YOUR STATUS.

   BREAKING NEWS.....New England Patriots to start wearing an asterisk on their helmets....

   The friend-zone is the only place that has more deflated balls than a patriots game.

   Tom Brady's balls are under more scrutiny than Ray Rice's fist ever was.

   Everyone should call their weed "The Quran" because burning that crap gets you stoned.

   there's no "I" in "we" ....unless you're a gamer #Wii

   The price humans pay for walking upright is being the only species on the planet that has to wipe their ass after a nice bowel movement. Goodnight.

   One word: Ballgazi

   It's okay I'll text myself back.

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew, pew....pew!

   It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

   Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.