Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a drunk texting buddy while I sit at home and drink by myself tonight

   Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"

   Sorry for pushing you back with a ten foot pole when you asked me to hold your baby.

   Why does every video on America's Funniest Home Videos look like it's still recorded on VHS tape?

   Guys with poodles, explain yourselves.

   Why do people even bother to say stuff like, “Please say hi to so and so for me” when we all know very well that message is never passed on?

   I took 3 years of college chemistry and never once learned how to cook meth so don't tell me about your disappointments.

   The sooner you realize a min wage job is a starting point and not a career, the better off you (and America) will be!

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

   No, I don't like to wear pants. Or as I call them, leg prisons.

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

   If Walmart really wanted to help its customers, they'd sell teeth.

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   I think Bruce Jenner's trying a little too hard to 'Keep Up With The Kardashians.'

   If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

   I just want to be rich enough to legally hunt people.

   I'm confused. Does baby oil come from babies or go in babies?

   I'm sorry I karate chopped your grandma...but her stroke face was all like, "Come at me, bro".

   "Why can't more people be just like you?" I wisper into the bun of giant meatball sub.

   Yelp reviews, but for co-workers