Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next Saturday is Small Business Saturday. AKA local liquor store Saturday.

   Bill Cosby loves pudding. Yeah, pudding his schlong where it don't belong!

   Native American: So you are against imigrants. Splendid, when did you leave?

   I missed a period in that last status. I hope I'm not pregnant!!!

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   why is the wedding cake at a Portuguese wedding made out of S#it? It's to keep the flies off the bride.

   my anaconda be starving

   As an Atheist, When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   Love your neighbor, but don't get caught...

   I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

   UK - We call it Autumn, from the French word "autompne" and later, the Latin "autumnus" USA - WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN

   People these days will do and say anything to divert attention from their own pathetic lives.

   I met my GF online, in the grocery store. I was checking her out!

   Ferguson is going to kick off their black Friday shopping events with the Darren Wilson verdict.

   Did you ever notice that Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he came out of the shower?