Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry about dinner. I tried to follow the recipe, but I think we are out of "oven".

   I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's"

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to $hit more at work.

   I’m about to eat gas station breakfast.....tell my family that I love them.

   Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.

   What’s the opposite of terrorism? Atheism.

   I just put on a jacket I last wore at a wedding in 2002. And found Nokia 3210 in the pocket. It still has 2 bars of battery left.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans

   Experts think the Oscar for best picture will go to Boyhood or Bird-man. Kanye West thinks it will go to Beyoncé.

   Million Dollar Idea: An inner-city 24 hour breakfast restaurant named "Malcolm Eggs"

   Since I get so much crap in the mail, I have decided to make my mailbox the trash can.........

   Anyone who invites me to play one of those letter games will get the letters F and U.

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window.

   And as I opened the box it dawned on me. It wasn't the hamburger that needed help, it was me...

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.

   “Check under the hood, dumbass.” – The Clitoris

   They only way I'd watch 50 Shades of Grey is if the guy tied up the garbage bag and dominated the dishes.

   WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the family whose house I've broken into