Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1675 of 6384
[My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:55 by snotty
Comments (0)
"Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:48 by snotty
Comments (0)
Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:45 by snotty
Comments (0)
FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:39 by snotty
Comments (0)
Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:38 by snotty
Comments (0)
It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:37 by snotty
Comments (0)
*Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:35 by snotty
Comments (0)
"Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"
←Rate |
12-12-2014 09:23 by snotty
Comments (0)
Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?
←Rate |
12-12-2014 08:51 by snotty
Comments (0)
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.
A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.
I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.
←Rate |
12-12-2014 01:25 by KAREN
Comments (0)
hello there, the angel from my nightmare.
←Rate |
12-12-2014 01:21
Comments (0)
If you cry all the time, you will save money on a tear drop tattoo.
Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.
←Rate |
12-12-2014 00:38
Comments (0)
My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.
←Rate |
12-11-2014 20:09
Comments (1)
I just read an article that Black Friday in Ferguson was a smash hit....
←Rate |
12-11-2014 19:39 by Tanzarian
Comments (0)
"Boy that Steve Buscemi is one fine looking fella" said no one ever
I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors
←Rate |
12-11-2014 18:52 by styles
Comments (0)
"Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her"; you mean she's a booty for me now?!
←Rate |
12-11-2014 17:17
Comments (0)