Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1672 of 6384
some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill
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12-15-2014 04:56 by Eddy
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Pay it forward, but with booze.
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12-15-2014 02:22
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I will put my phone down when you put yours down....Ready set.....Wait Someone is calling
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12-14-2014 19:50 by Oregon
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My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.
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12-14-2014 16:31 by Cicci
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I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too
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12-14-2014 08:39 by Baddie
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There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.
Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.
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12-14-2014 08:19 by huck
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whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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12-14-2014 03:40
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No thanks, contemporary Christmas music.
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12-14-2014 03:28
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My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
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12-14-2014 03:27
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If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.
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12-14-2014 03:26
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If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?
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12-14-2014 03:23
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Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong
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12-14-2014 03:17
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Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real
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12-14-2014 01:30
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My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.
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12-14-2014 01:19 by Baddie
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The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that”
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12-14-2014 00:54
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