Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like a good neighbor..... Me and Meyham from Allstate threw a party in your house because you bragged all about your vacation on Facebook.

   It never fails.... I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   My heart says "No", but my erection says, "Shut the hell up, Heart"

   I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.

   ME: "Boss, I can't come in today. I have a bad case of" *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? DAUGHTER: "Boogerits" *to phone* its boogerits"

   "Mr Potter, you are now qualified to be a magical janitor" *Harry Potter And The Order of The University of Phoenix*

   I told my wife I wanted a threesome, and now there is a pizza in my bed. Its stuff like that that got her wifed.

   "You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!" -a complement in America; an argument in the Middle East.

   Dear Winter: SMA!!

   I know one day my life may be changed by the man who spends his nights spray painting "Jesus Saves Repent" signs on plywood and places them on the Interstate.

   My wife's superpower is : jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours

   My daughter answered every one of Dora's questions wrong and Dora still said, "good answer!". Good to see Mexico's education system is still on track.

   Don't worry Cat Zingano, I wouldn't last more than 14 seconds with Ronda Rousey either.

   What if black people have been gold this whole time???

   The actor Peter Cullen voiced both Eeyore AND Optimus Prime. That trivia will be in your brain forever. You're welcome.

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.