Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.

   I stole every word of this status from a dictionary.

   "I got my cat fixed" "Is it a dog now?"

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Birdman won the Oscar for Best Picture ... for some reason Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyonce

   “Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop” to become a dev!l . Restraining order is on the way too.

   Between Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians, they should all be court ordered to go to driving school.

   At 7-11 and the cashier rings my bottle of water up and asked me if I would like a bag to go with that? I asked her if she had anything good? We laughed and laughed...

   BREAKING NEWS: The Groundhog is wanted in 25 states stretching from the east coast!~

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   NASCAR went with Toyota as a pace car...wanted them to see how it felt to be out front!

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   This Fall...Bruce Jenner, Kim Kardashian, North Kardashian West, Khloe Kardashian & Kylie Jenner star in "The Kar-Crashians" only on E!

   If being single ever gets you down, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then go do anything you want to do.

   The F.C.C. has delayed the decision on the Time-Warner + Comcast merger. .....So, How do you think those folks like being put on HOLD ???

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

   Im going to find that groundhog and kill him. ...

   My master plan is just a Post-it note that says “drink more.”

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?