Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

   Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge

   I'm just doing what the beer tells me to.

   I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.

   The Mayans are predicting this year for Dec.21 chilly air will settle into the region, ahead of a storm system forecast to move up from the South.

   somedays I could do without the life lesson!

   I don't know if they give awards for commercials, but that ad with Kate Upton riding a horse should win all of them.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts

   And you say the CIA should treat the terrorists with kid's gloves.

   The suicide vest bombing instructor at the Al Qaeda School of Martyrdom advised his students too "pay close attention because I'm only going to show you this once".

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   Not to brag, but my nickname at work is "do you think he's alive?"

   "I'm sorry your pet died. Can I come over for breakfast tomorrow?" - The world if pigs replaced dogs.

   I just spent 40 bucks on five organic pears at the farmer's market if anyone needs any investment advice or anything

   If any of you ever hit rock bottom, please bring me down some vodka.