Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 1671 of 6446

   messageicon If there is one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk, its up.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 15:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I would like a number between 1 and 10 think about me.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also low in calories.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to explain to my yoga teacher that I can't just "get rid of" this erection.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've decided to give up my pre-workout glass of prune juice.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you've ever been to the zoon and seen a gorilla get frustrated and distroy a banana with its fists then you've seem my wife give a hand job.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hi, and welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Now who wants a cold one?
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You are going to play the lotto in hopes that you win? That's cool. I'm going to play the harpsichord in hopes that a unicorn shows up.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you ever trying to hi-five a guy in a jean jacket and miss, you have to let him sleep with your wife. Rules are rules.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying".
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I named my left nipple Marlon Waynes because its got a slightly lighter complexion but its still impossible to difference between the two in pictures.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if God watches Maurry and thinks about who he's going to tell to build the next ark?
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon - What should we name this creature with big feet? "Bigfoot". - And what about this tiger with saber teeth? "Saber tooth tiger". - How about this beaver duck? "Platypus"
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Parenting is all about compromise. For example, I just compromised the contents of my stomach trying to eat this god aweful breakfast in bed they just made me.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Step ladders are just like regular ladders except they don't love you as much.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *Batteries die in TV remote for first time in 6 years* "Useless piece of crap"
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon PLOT TWIST: You snooze.... You win! Because naps are freaking awesome.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so sorry for you loss. Is there anything I can do for you from my phone?
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Its admirable that you want to be an organ donor, but there may be a less painful way of doing than driving in my blind spot.
←Rate | 02-23-2015 13:29 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left