Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when someone asks me how to get in shape before summer. My response will be, start 6 months ago

   The great tragedy of the cactus is that their arms are always open, eagerly anticipating the hug that will never come.

   Happy dry hump Wednesday for you singles out there. . .

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..

   No Mr. Fifty-Something Rider, clean saddle soaped leathers and a $20,000 Harley don't make you a "Biker" any more than a tutu and a pair of pointe shoes makes me a "Ballerina".

   I. Did. Not. Have. Textual. Relations. With. That. Phone!

   BREAKING NEWS: Hackers find Hillary Clinton's deleted emails. Discover they are nude selfies and commit mass suicide.

   I am passive aggressive, mostly to myself, but I think I can wait it out and it will get better.

   I looked at the guy standing next to me in the check out line and said, "At what point in your life did you decide it was okay to wear light pink socks?" He answered back, "I do one load of laundry a week, how about you?

   Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.

   You don’t have the right to say “the struggle is real” when your ass is still living with your parents.

   You’re dry humping my last nerve.

   You’re the “she” to my “nanigans”.

   Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...

   Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.

   There are only three things in life that are certain: Taxes, Death, and people's belief that anyone cares about the weather where they live.

   "No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners

   Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

   Someone put a Taylor Swift tape in my Teddy Ruxpin and now he's writing a song about Fozzie

   My dog drinks from the toilet. You might say he has a potty mouth.