Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's just a rough patch. ~ my entire life apparently

   You know you've grown up when a nap is no longer a punishment, but a reward.

   Love doesn't cost a thing but it can leave you bankrupt.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.

   Not sure if I am getting older or if kids today are just getting retarded?....

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

   You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....

   Well, it's 2015. Where's my robot girlfriend, nerds??

   They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.

   It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. That’s why I don’t go out there. I stay in here where it’s a man-eat-chocolate-cake world.

   Every time this gets a like an NFL ref gets kicked in the sack

   Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.

   My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.

   Stop blaming the holidays....you were fat in August!

   Tony Romo should seriously consider committing a Felony, He would be a hell of a Quarterback in a Penal League somewhere I bet... Hell of a Wide Receiver too...

   It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.

   Sure hope someone in the stands knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver today in Dallas because there are going to be a lot of Cowboys choking

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.