Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every girls dream is to find the perfect guy then change everything about him.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

   I always seem to be running late. My ancestors came over on the Juneflower.

   If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   Ariana Grande sounds like a new drink at Starbucks.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   As someone who wears glasses I usually don’t understand when someone at a party asks for us to raise our glasses.

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Once you go black your credit goes bad.

   @CauseWereGuys: If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.

   Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.

   I dont care who you are, I want your name - Police

   plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.

   The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.