Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

   I thank God for my daughter every day. How else would I know I'm "So stupid".

   Interviewer: Do you have a police record. Me: No, but I do have a couple of their CD's. *gets hired on the spot*

   A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   How does a cricket know when his joke bombed?

   I've had so much sex today that this entire post is a lie.

   I think my 6 year old figured out he can get whatever he wants when I'm distracted with Facebook. Anyone know where I can get a pet Ewok?

   Almost 60,000 people from Glastonbury area sign petition asking Glastonbury Festival planners to cancel Kanye West performance. The citizen's petition states "Beyonce would be better"

   If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.

   In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal

   Go shawty, it's a green light~50 cent in traffic

   Every day I live in fear or becoming an infomercial person. Yesterday I fumbled a jar of cinnamon and cried for three hours.

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"

   As if those Starbucks barista's weren't already self righteous enough, now they're going to enlighten me on racial issues??

   A man hits his wife with a car, whose fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.

   I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized it was just a homeless guy yelling at pigeon.