Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   Ugh,, There's a SPIDER in my toilet,,, And I don't even remember eating a spider...

   I thought Game of War was some kind of breast inhancement app. I was wrong.

   Today, for the first time in history - France did not surrender!! They actually fought!

   It is so cold out I just seen some chickens in line at KFC waiting in line for their turn in the deep frier.

   instead of 'free' healthcare or 'free' college how about some freedom, dam commies

   Family guy, in its satire, does convey a lot serious real world issues. "Archer", used the name IZEZ(spelling intended) much before. It's writers are from the most dramatic nation ever (Juice). Definitely this organization is created by one of them

   2014 you had your up and downs.. 2015 I'm to old for rollercoasters

   Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters..

   On the TV this morning the weatherman said to dress warm if you're going outside. If you need a TV weatherman to remind you to dress warm, you've got bigger problems than the cold weather...

   Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

   According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

   If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

   I think it's Funny how people are hating on Romo when their team's QB is sitting on the couch watching him still play.

   Get back here you stupid b*tch so that I can love you.

   If you "like" a photo from 2013, you just announced you're a creepy mf'er.

   I got a lap dance from a midget stripper. I couldn't refuse the deal. It was half off.

   I just want to say how much I love my wife's inner beauty, core values, and soul. JK, she's smoking hot and loves to fcuk!!

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning...