Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.

   It’s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!

   I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”

   Friday the 13th might be an unlucky day, but when you live in the land of bacon, badasses and bald eagles, every day is a lucky day....... ‪#‎America‬

   If you can moonwalk, that better be the first thing I know about you.

   I think Al Sharpton may just be the most underrated comedian of our time.

   I wish I were an octopus so I could hug you, grab your ass, grope your boobies, play Playstation, and eat Pizza all at the same time.

   Just saw a sign at the hospital. "Planned Parenting. Use Rear Door". I suppose that would work.

   Anyone know why my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all fit in the same bottle, but to acheive the same thing, my wife needs 34 bottles? Anyone?

   About time to head out to the back yard and start insulting my lawn so that it gets depressed enough to start cutting itself before June.

   Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.

   My kid will eat anything you put in front of him as long as its chicken nuggets.

   I wish the government would go through my e-mails, because I’m never going to.

   “Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

   The other day I saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning" use rear entrance and I thought to myself that's great advice...

   When did comedian Ron White turn into an old lesbian?

   Oh, it'll do more harm than good? That's my specialty.

   I am really disappointed that Trader Joe's 2 buck Chuck is now $3.29 WTF Chuck!!

   it REALLY stereotyping when we all know it true?

   Here it is 2015 for crying out loud, and we still don't know who let the dogs out, the way to San Jose. who stopped the rain, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, what's in your wallet, or Victoria's secret.