Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   If your favorite color eyes is bloodshot, I'm your guy.

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   The more you duck face, the less I like you.

   My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.

   i have completed 38 of the 50 shades of grey

   I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.

   They say, "Don't Text and Drive" but I've had 3 maybe 4 texts all day so I'm good, right?

   Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.

   The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.

   f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   Your tongue is a very powerful muscle. It's strong enough to get your feaking teeth knocked out...

   The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men's underwear.

   I don't always get a taste of my own medicine but when I do I wash it down with tequila, hold the lime

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

   Well, well, well.... If it isn't that thing that gives me water out of the ground.

   I'm just going to flip the omelette now. Annnnnnnndddd, now I'm having scrambled eggs.

   McDonalds delivery is not yet a "thing" b/c there's no way someone could deliver my big mac without eating some of my fries along the way

   I take solace in knowing that somewhere in a parallel universe my life is spiraling into control.

   My blood type is B Positive. The irony isn't lost on me.