Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every day I live in fear or becoming an infomercial person. Yesterday I fumbled a jar of cinnamon and cried for three hours.

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"

   As if those Starbucks barista's weren't already self righteous enough, now they're going to enlighten me on racial issues??

   A man hits his wife with a car, whose fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.

   I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized it was just a homeless guy yelling at pigeon.

   Q: How do you tell the difference between a Black Bear and a Grizzly Bear? A: The Black Bear smokes Newport's.

   Kraft is recalling 7 million boxes of mac and cheese after several people reported finding minuscule amounts of nutrients inside.

   to the lady in the office complaining about her man.... you can't spell MANAGEMENT without MANAGE MEN. if you can't manage 1 guy don't expect a promotion to be in charge of 10 men

   Breaking News :: the groundhog says 1 more week of WINTER

   OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

   Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural when there are two boobs but only one butt?

   Note to self......Don't chest bump the elderly.....not a good thing.....trust me on this one...

   Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

   Dog is man's best friend. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Therefore, a dog made out of diamonds should be everybody's friend.

   Please stop calling them "zombies." They are "living impaired."

   I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!