Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1636 of 6384
You know that friend who says they'll be there for you even if it's 1 am. I am that person only because of insomnia. . .
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01-27-2015 20:49 by JAB
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When are Levi's going away with "Shrink to Fit jeans" to my style..."Stretched to Fit"?
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01-27-2015 20:09 by Oregon
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Every time a crossfitter gets injured an Angel gets their wings
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01-27-2015 19:57
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My gf just told me that my pecker was two inches bigger that her ex's and that's why she will never go back to a lesbian relationship
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01-27-2015 16:17
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Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.
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01-27-2015 16:07
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My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's place in the psychiatric process...
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01-27-2015 16:06
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ATMs and automated gas pumps have been around for years but Wal Mart puts in self checkout lanes and people act like the world is ending...
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01-27-2015 15:58
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starting a chainsaw in the house is a great way to get the neighbors to quiet down. Also good for getting an unruly child's attention.
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01-27-2015 15:55
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So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.
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01-27-2015 13:28
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Kentucky pickup line- I'm just goin to follow you home anyway, so get in the truck.
Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire
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01-27-2015 13:07
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So much anxiety, so little weed!
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01-27-2015 12:50 by Czovczov
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Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
just avoid love at all costs
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01-27-2015 12:37
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You had me at 0 mutual friends
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01-27-2015 12:36 by Czovczov
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Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.
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01-27-2015 12:32 by flinnie
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"
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01-27-2015 12:29
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Maybe Jabba was extremly thin for a Hut, you don't know
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01-27-2015 11:10
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Breaking weather news! Winter storm Juno finally landed and was quickly deflated as it passed over New England.
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01-27-2015 07:26
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I'm no weather man, but it's snowing out in Boston. . .
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01-27-2015 07:24 by JAB
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