Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone, keep drinking

   Another successful Lent season accomplished by vowing not to eat healthy food for 40 days. Think I'll keep it going.

   You know the difference between Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? Martha Stewart is a convicted felon.

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an @zz.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   "April fools fell on a Hump day" said the camel

   I didn't hump anything on Hump Day, but I did throw my back out on Throwback Thursday, so I got to be mildly ironic.

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel by using a dial.

   Breaking News: The State of Indiana just made "smear the queer" the official playground game.

   It was April Fools' Day yesterday. So be careful. And don't forget to turn back your clocks....

   They say candles add a sensual ambiance, this my explain why I become aroused when I see a birthday cake

   feeling like a tampon; in a good place, but at the wrong time

   Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?

   I'm gonna start a new website called Punchender where people/companies can raise funds to NOT release a terrible product. Example "If we don't meet our goal, we will release super bouncy death ball!"

   It takes balls to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters.

   I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

   Thanks for inviting me to your Bible study, let's get balls deep in Jesus.

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there's my drink.

   Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.

   Jeremy Clarkson should start a cooking show. Abusing staff seems to be OK in kitchens on TV.