Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1634 of 6384
on this very day 125 years ago it was also a Friday TGIF
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01-30-2015 12:55
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Ben Franklin invented the wood stove, bifocals, lightning rods, the odometer, was the first to map the gulf stream, the U.S. postal system, and electricity. All I'm saying: If Ben Franklin were alive today, Microsoft, Google, and Apple would be generics..
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01-30-2015 11:53
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Shower together because everyone likes to having their back washed.Just remember where the wall is in case you drop the soap.
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01-30-2015 09:17 by Nipper
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Bet you I can throw this under inflated football over them mountains...
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01-30-2015 08:34 by jw12ems
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Here is a hint to Bruce Jenner: You were born a man. You will die a man. That is simple biological fact, and has nothing to do with your 'feelings' or whatever you think is 'hidden' inside of you.
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01-30-2015 07:11
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How much for the angry lawn gnome? Hey, that's my toddler.
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01-30-2015 06:32 by Psycho
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(•)(•)(•) Total Recall
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01-30-2015 06:24
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Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
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01-30-2015 06:16 by Psycho
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Relationship status: runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
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01-30-2015 01:35
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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01-30-2015 01:27 by Czovczov
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The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"
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01-30-2015 01:25
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You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.
Does anyone have an alternative to a tea that helps you sleep at night? Sometimes I just cover my mouth with chloroform but then I'm typically late for work the next morning...
Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.
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01-30-2015 00:39 by Czovczov
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There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.
We should be less worried about serial killers dumping bodies around the country and more concerned that it's always someone jogging that discovers them. THOSE are the people we should be looking out for...
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01-29-2015 17:33 by RJB224
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Prop bets: What are the odds that Katy Perry's first song will suck?
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01-29-2015 16:36 by T-Dub
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I'm just here so I won't get fined.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
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01-29-2015 12:57
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Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.