Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.

   I'm at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.

   I bruised my face running drunk into a slider door but I told my coworkers it's my violent boyfriend because I want them to think I'm dating

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

   A guy at a stoplight angrily pointed and yelled at me, so I smiled at him and mouthed "I love this song too!"

   wow, by several of the last status posts, we can see that Ferguson must have gotten their Internet back!!!

   I was offered a one night stand with a girl. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. I declined because I have strong morals and will power. Just as strong as Ajax, now available scented with lemon or vanilla

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   When my atheist friend pisses me off, I tell him to Go to Heaven!!

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease ... damn dyslexia.

   the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.

   I do hateful things for which people love me, and I do lovable things for which they hate me. I'm admired for my detestability.

   i feel bad that you have to deal with yourself

   The day after a big turkey dinner I always have fowl smelling farts.

   Every time I read "Large Hadron Collider", I think it says "Large Hardon Collider", which sounds rather painful.

   And then Jesus said, “when I come back in three days, I better not see any eggs. I don’t care what you do – hide’em, paint’em, just get rid of them.”

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   No bids on Jay Cutler autographed football at charity event. Because he didn't sign it Tom Brady. . .

   The girl on the flyer is never at the club.

   I've exercised and on a strict diet and I lost 70lbs (true story) but I just found out all I had to do was throw up after I eat. why doesn't everyone do this!