Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think you love your family but suddenly there's three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

   I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   Taco Bell is going to start delivering. Thank you for making everyone a little more lazy.

   If I am suffering and hurting and you tell me "its all god's plan" I will kick your ass and tell you it's also god's plan.

   Sleeping much better now that the Burger King mascot is off the air.

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   and, liking - you liked your own status by yourself- your own status is like high fiving yourself in public.

   I wonder if they make a Gas-X for brain farts.

   and, liking - you liked your own statuse by yourself- your own status is like high fiving yourself in public.

   My wife can't remember which side of the car the gas cap is on but she remembers the picture of some girl I commented on 5 years ago.

   NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags and not tell you what you did. "You know what you did"

   I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

   Every girls dream is to find the perfect guy then change everything about him.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

   I always seem to be running late. My ancestors came over on the Juneflower.

   If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...