Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my Wife is busy oiling up all the wood in the house. I like where this is going.

   what is the best way to get rid of my annoying neighbor Fred's body if I kill him? .. asking for a friend.

   the Catholic Church gets a lot of bad press, but if it weren't for my parish priest I wouldn't even know how to give a good hand job.

   Found a grey pubic hair today. I didn’t freak out too much but the others in the elevator looked terrified.

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard weren't really royalty it was just the last name they lied! Hollywood is a liar!

   Shout out to the top 5 kinds of boats, row, tug, sail, life and Ricky the Dragon Steam

   "I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate

   Fox news breakfast: Bigots and gravy.

   I stopped by a beauty supply store yesterday and they said they didn't have anything that would help me and asked me to leave....

   I am cute as hell, which is incidentally where I came from.

   just dropped my new single. it's me, i'm single.

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."

   Some guy just asked me for the time like it's freakin 1993. "Hold tight good fellow, allow me to fetch my timepiece from my pantaloons."

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   Being an adult is basically a “choose your own adventure” book, but every choice sounds terrible.

   Had I had access to a smartphone growing up, I probably would have had an album titled "School Bus Window Artwork"

   My son asked me what it was like to have three kids so I went into his toy room, broke all his stuff, then made him get me a beer.

   Hey girl! Are you an Apple Watch because you can't seem to do anything without your iPhone.

   Whites fantasize about bla3ks, when they are with their bfriends. But once you go bla3k, you are a single mom :D.

   If you think husbands aren't good listeners, whisper "Come here, I'm naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.