Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."

   Some guy just asked me for the time like it's freakin 1993. "Hold tight good fellow, allow me to fetch my timepiece from my pantaloons."

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   Being an adult is basically a “choose your own adventure” book, but every choice sounds terrible.

   Had I had access to a smartphone growing up, I probably would have had an album titled "School Bus Window Artwork"

   My son asked me what it was like to have three kids so I went into his toy room, broke all his stuff, then made him get me a beer.

   Hey girl! Are you an Apple Watch because you can't seem to do anything without your iPhone.

   Whites fantasize about bla3ks, when they are with their bfriends. But once you go bla3k, you are a single mom :D.

   If you think husbands aren't good listeners, whisper "Come here, I'm naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.

   Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.

   Sorry I yelled, "Finish Him" at your wedding.

   Once you go black, the white man don't want you back !

   You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

   My friend has to pay for sex ... he is buy-sexual.

   Can we just skip the Aaron Hernandez wide-receiver-tight-end jokes? They are so old and so lame.

   Aaron Hernandez went from getting 40 million as a tight end, to needing two packs of smokes for a tight end.

   Apparently, I've been playing "Hide & Seek" at Ikea this whole time. That'd be me looking for the exit and the exit hiding from me.

   Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.

   Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.

   I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.