Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Headed to the gym, and then to Taco Bell because I like to keep my body guessing if I love it or hate it.

   Getting old means half the fun for twice the hangover.

   "I'm gonna rearrange the alphabet and put "U" and "I" together" ~ Christopher Latham Sholes, inventor of the QWERTY keyboard and only player not totally full of crap.

   Giving me a Miilkbone after sex does not make it "doggy style"

   Sparklers, the turkey bacon of fireworks.

   Just walked into Walmart with a haircut I didn't do myself and they just made me their king.

   I wish I carried myself with the smug, all-knowing arrogance as people who've read all the Game of Thrones books.

   "I spent our entire relationship trying to change the man he was all the way until I broke up with him for not being the same man I met and fell in love with" ~ Women

   The new Muppet TV show will be a little more "adult" than previous versions. For instance, they'll actually explain the significance of Gonzo's nose.

   Ripley's Believe It Or Not says it's just a myth that humans only use 10% of their brains. Unless they're Kardashians.

   Actress Elizabeth Olsen recently said it doesn't hurt your career to appear nude on screen. You listening, Megan Fox?

   I think I skipped the part of life where I was supposed to learn how to get rich.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

   Don't think I can't feel you removing my Crocs and jorts with your eyes, Phyllis?

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   A woman will date a guy who isn’t exactly what she likes in the hope of changing him into what she likes. How about just dating a guy who is exactly what you like and save everyone else the drama?

   Ladies, instead of trying to change every guy you date, how about you just change your own fcuking expectations??

   Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.