Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever low battery indicator. You aren't the bos

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done to make our lives better.

   n't it ironic how life starts sucking at the exact same time that you wake up every day?

   10 year old son: What was it like? ME: What was what like? SON: Being alive in the 1900's? ME: Go to your room.

   Whatever low batter indicator. You aren't the bos

   *Putting kids toys together* WIFE: Stick it in the other hole. ME: Why didn't you tell me that 5 years ago?

   I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.

   No one can name one thing Obama has done to make our lives better.

   and you feel they are being discriminatory, you give us a call and we’ll be right over with signs and bullhorns to protest their protest. We can even have a slogan: “Hey you, Stop that!”

   I have an idea for a new movement. Call it “People Against People Against People.” Basically, we’d go around protesting anyone who is discriminating against someone else. Race, religion, political views, it doesn't matter. If you have protesters and

   "Oh, this old thing?" - my cat showing me his butt hole..

   You know what is worse than the riots in Baltimore......... Another Paul Blart movie.

   If I thought President Obma should serve two more terms in office, than I'd be on crack just like Obama is.

   I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.