Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's it like to be married? Ever just wish that oncoming trailor truck would just cross that yellow line just a little when she's driving alone and not paying attention?

   If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   [Two sharks on work lunch breaks] "Ugh, whale and jellyfish... again?!?!" "I'm having seaweed because..." "WE KNOW KARL, YOUR VEGAN"

   I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people

   Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

   I think my maid stole money from my drawer. I just want her to come clean.

   The doctor gave my friends and I a prescription for our Twisted Sister addiction but we're not gonna take it..

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes

   Happy hangover day to all the deadbeat moms out there. You've earned it!

   Some girls are like blunts.... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   I'm so sad your vacation is over too. Now how am I going to get my "feet by the pool pics" fix in?

   If saying a bunch of stupid crap on the internet is what life's all about, then I'm living the dream.

   You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.

   Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

   Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that's raising your child...

   Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today

   Nothing say's "Happy Mother's Day" like a uterus shaped pizza!

   The more you're human, the less friends you have.

   Feminism. Ok start with cheer leading. That's probably the most degrading activity ever. Using women as tools and decoration pieces while men be the center of attention. You did this to yourselves