Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My signature dance move is trying to unstick my balls from my leg.

   Dog strollers are a thing if you were wondering where the trajectory of humanity is taking us.

   I just want what Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat had.

   If your girl ever says “tell me the truth and I won’t be mad” bro lie your ass off, cause she's lying her damn self

   The hardest part about dealing with rejection is that I end up liking them more for their ability to make great decisions.

   In sign language, the entire story of my life can be told with a series of face palms.

   If there is one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk, its up.

   Just once I would like a number between 1 and 10 think about me.

   "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also low in calories.

   Trying to explain to my yoga teacher that I can't just "get rid of" this erection.

   I've decided to give up my pre-workout glass of prune juice.

   If you've ever been to the zoon and seen a gorilla get frustrated and distroy a banana with its fists then you've seem my wife give a hand job.

   Hi, and welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Now who wants a cold one?

   You are going to play the lotto in hopes that you win? That's cool. I'm going to play the harpsichord in hopes that a unicorn shows up.

   If you ever trying to hi-five a guy in a jean jacket and miss, you have to let him sleep with your wife. Rules are rules.

   You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying".

   I named my left nipple Marlon Waynes because its got a slightly lighter complexion but its still impossible to difference between the two in pictures.

   I wonder if God watches Maurry and thinks about who he's going to tell to build the next ark?

   - What should we name this creature with big feet? "Bigfoot". - And what about this tiger with saber teeth? "Saber tooth tiger". - How about this beaver duck? "Platypus"

   Parenting is all about compromise. For example, I just compromised the contents of my stomach trying to eat this god aweful breakfast in bed they just made me.