Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weed in DC? Oh that's really going to slow things down.... oh wait....never mind!

   I asked my wife for a blowjob, she told me she gave blowjobs up for lint. So I brought home my girlfriend.

   The mind is everything my friends; what you think long enough... you eventually become.

   Madonna just thanked everyone for their prayers on her CompuServe account.

   Can you beleive that some cultures still communicate with a series of clicks and primitive heirglyphs? *clicks furiously at keyboard* *adds 17 emojis*

   My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.

   I just finished running 3 miles on the treadmill!!!! Just kidding...I'm on my third cookie.

   i really need a blue sky 80 degree holliday !!!!

   Going in to talk to my financial advisor feels a lot like going in to talk to my middle school principal.

   Judging by the gold teeth in this Footlocker employees mouth, either he has a side job or Footlocker has phenomenal detal benefits.

   When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think a mockery is what they had in mind.

   Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.

   My nickname at work is, "Shhhh, here he comes"

   FACT: If you give your kid's name a retarted spelling, I will pronounce it like I am retarted.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kidding

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.

   I'm constantly thankful for all of some of the people that aren't in my life anymore.

   Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him. "Okay who the hell unfollowed me?"

   I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.