Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from 'Bewitched', and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.

   Walked into a public washroom and it sounded like someone was power-lifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

   Some ducks landed on the grounds where I work yesterday. It was interesting to see them practicing teenage girls' faces.

   I'm was doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I was in the back of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to vacuum under the front passenger seat.

   You obviously did not see either Adama, Baltar, or Roislyn wearing glasses

   You ever wonder why eye glasses don't exist in the future? Star Wars? No glasses. Star Trek? No glasses. Battle Star Galatica? No glasses. No one wears glasses in the future! Something to look forward to.

   If one more person posts "The thrill is gone" or "The Edge fell off the edge" I'm gonna scream. #sheeple

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   Older women are why I don't like younger women.

   Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

   Bae is short for Retarded, right?

   How come MOM'S and dad's only get one day and Sharks get a whole week??

   I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.

   No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.

   Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

   Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.

   [walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*