Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1598 of 6452

"I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu
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05-23-2015 14:46
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Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem
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05-23-2015 13:33
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Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men
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05-23-2015 13:14
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream
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05-23-2015 13:12
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You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
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05-23-2015 13:08
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Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach
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05-23-2015 13:06
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Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
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05-23-2015 11:06 by Dude
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The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.

Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

I'm taking up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail.
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05-23-2015 07:39
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Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.
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05-23-2015 01:55 by Dude
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Pac Man turned 35 today. Pretty sure he can expect some birthday head from Ms. Pac Man, although I am not sure how that would work.
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05-22-2015 21:30
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I'm a second hand vegetarian... cows eat grass and I eat cows.
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05-22-2015 16:23
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"19 Kids and Counting". The name of a show or the number of kids Josh has fondled? The Catholics would say he isn't even close to becoming a Priest yet.

Picture us in bed together.... Wrong.... try again, but with more empty bottles.
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05-22-2015 13:14
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No.... I said I CAN keep a secret, not that WILL.
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05-22-2015 13:13
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You guys know you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix, right?
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05-22-2015 13:01
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"Shall we move this to the bedroom?" - Me, to snacks.
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05-22-2015 13:01
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Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
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05-22-2015 13:00
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This tequila tastes like my ex wants me to text her.
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05-22-2015 12:59
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