Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. A kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone ..

   My blood test came back "vodka".

   Chill with the snow pics folks. It's fcuking winter. It's supposed to be cold.

   If I never get crushed by a falling piano and walk away looking like a human accordian then life will have been a complete waste.

   Today is World Book Day.... or as today's generation calls it, "World What Day?"

   Welcome to Adulthood Club.... does anyone remember signing up for this crap?

   I only want to be rich so I can be more carefree about throwing drinks in people's faces.

   If by "artist" you mean "good at drawing conclusions" then yes, I'm effing Picaso.

   "Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"

   People that use iPhones are justa bunch of sheep that believe whatever Apple says. *Pulls into church parking lot*

   *Grabs intercom at Chuck E Cheese* SOME OF YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT!!!!

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   ATHEISM :The belief that there was nothing then something happened to nothing which magically exploded and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self replicating bits which gained conciousness to debate it.

   Nothing ruins a Hump Day like not getting Humped!

   Drink the Kool-Aid, everything will be OK...

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"

   in the latest installment of the rocky series Creed, Rocky fights glaucoma

   "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.

   Just saw this chick at the gym do 5 sets of selfies.

   We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.