Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having your caller ID blocked is a great way to advertise your personality disorder. -Anonymous

   You can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first

   GM and Chrysler...still made by welfare funds

   Why is it that every time I see a Ford, it's lifted? Well the answer is simple. When a man gets out of his Ford, he doesn't want to get his dress dirty...

   My wife told me I had a great face for radio. That wasn't nice. At least my ex's said nice things about me, they said I was better in bed then most my friends

   Fun relationship game: She demands. You supply.

   "In this jungle are the world's deadliest snakes. Let's go see what they're up to." ~ white folks

   The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.

   Do you think I'll now what's up in "Horny Neighbors 3" without seeing the first 2?

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   in a recent study 9 out of 10 Bros actually chose Hoes over each other.

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear

   Went from fallin' in love to drunk and fallin' apart

   DR: I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. ME: Was it *sniff* *sniff* because of not enough prayers on Facebook? DR: I'm afraid so sir.

   The next person to tell me it's Pi day is going to die.

   Of course I woke up happy.....Its Steak and a BJ day

   I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   It would be a hoot if Hillary becomes president and then appoints Obama to the US Supreme Court

   If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.