Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to Chopped. Your mystery basket ingredients are four of your exes, from which you must create one decent human being.

   20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.

   I rather be proven wrong scientifically than lied to religously.

   Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.

   It's my birthday!! These crazy woman sending me all these flowers it look like a funeral up in here

   I've outsourced my LIKES, Birthday wishes and comments on your post and pics to a firm in India. So if Sanjay isn't showing you enough love, please let me know right away.

   I can't wait until people start posting pics of the temperature display in their car. I'm waiting on pins and needles to see how hot it is where you are.

   I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!"

   Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in

   Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.

   I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

   If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.

   There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.

   Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.

   Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!

   A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.

   Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   ....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...