Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   Hot singles in your area wish you would turn up the air conditioning.

   [stands up in church] Okay I’m starting to think some of this stuff isn’t true you guys.

   If you ever look in the mirror and wonde if your look is still in style, remember there are still guys with pony tails so you're probably not that bad...

   I joined Farmersonly.com and I've already hooked up with my sister and 2 cousins!!

   I went grocery shopping hungry and I'm now the proud owner of aisles 6, 8, 9, 12, and most of the bakery.

   Suarez must be on a diet. He didnt bite anyone..*Dissapointed*

   The human heart is amazing. It can get hurt and in a few days it ready to get out and get some more pain.

   Blind belief is so often the death of reason.

   Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.

   Oh, so you're religious? *backs away slowly*

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Bruce Jenner wears a dress in public and Vanity Fair asks him for a photo shoot. I wear a dress in public and the police ask me for a breathalyzer.

   Hmmmm,, Texting while driving is illegal,,, but you can go ahead and eat a burrito while putting on mascara?

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   I just shouted at a guy driving aSmartCar..... and I think I totaled it.

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   "WTH, I can't seem to parallel park anymore" - Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner

   Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the wierdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.