Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   My hot neighbor put a fence around her pool so I bought a trampoline.

   a blind man went to a silent movie ....

   Pro Tip: Its easy to smuggle booze into work if you put it into your stomach first.

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   Wait NAACP: Now you're sayin that " Once you go b!ack,,, you CAN go back?"

   Cocaine so white it's head of the NAACP.

   Atheist don't hate unicorns or fairys or leprechauns because you can't hate something that isn't real. Atheist hate God because He is real.

   Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.

   I'm watching the same movie thats been on all week..."Complete Signal Loss"

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

   The NAACP: Now with no artificial colors.

   Between Bruce (Caitlyn) Jenner and Rachel (NAACP) Dolezal I am now thoroughly convinced that I am a black woman trapped in a white mans body! Mmmmhmm! Hooooo Damn! Girl!

   I don't have tattoos for the same reason I don't have children -- I'm afraid if someone tells me they're ugly, I won't want them anymore.

   Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

   Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself.

   Twitter is a fun, safe place to share your feelings if you don't mind being told to go kill yourself.

   Welcome to Chopped. Your mystery basket ingredients are four of your exes, from which you must create one decent human being.

   20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.