Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's great to wake up on a Sunday and not have the overwhelming feeling to check myself into Gamblers, Alcoholics and Over Eaters Anonymous.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward's anger.

   Figuring out that you'll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.

   Um, Yes, despite your 5 divorces by 35, all the men you date are pigs.

   I've thought of becoming vegetarian but I can never find any bacon seeds for the garden

   Vegitarian is a native American name for Bad hunter. . .

   Fatty acids are just regular acids that take selfies from high angles

   Every time my wife gets in the shower she has to worry about me reenacting the scene from Psycho but with my wiener and a lot of begging.

   Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me.

   Did you know that "vegan" is short for "joyless judgmental twat"?

   "I have never regretted my silence. As for my speech, I have regretted it over and over again."- Umar Ibn Al-Khattab

   3rd straight week without drinking alcohol. People separated from your loved ones now I totally understand you struggle and pain.

   great news for those that talk $hit....PREPARATION H is now available as a chapstick!!

   You seen one solar eclipse, you seen em all. If you want, I can show you a full moon any day of the week though. . .

   Being a Buffalo Bills fan is similar to being Rick Grimes. You're pretty much hopeless. When there is a sign of hope... all hope is crushed by the Governor aka Bill Belichick.

   Like my uncle Gary always used to say, "Don't bother, they won't beleive you anyway"

   Yes!! 1,000 times Yes! I WILL like the Facebook page of the architecture firm your a part-time receptionist at, girl I met at a party once.

   I'd be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.

   Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

   I haven't done a taste test, but I'm pretty sure a bleached butthole tastes the same as a regular butthole.