Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....

   meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..

   Coffee so bitter it blocked me on Facebook.

   According to my Timehop, I drank a lot on this day in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...

   National Running Day was a success. Ran to the fridge then back to the couch. Whew! I'm exhausted.

   Coffee so black it drop out of high school

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...

   Coffe so black it wants to start looting.

   "OMG, Have you heard the news?" "Yeah, they totally carried Huey Louis"

   Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.

   Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.

   Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich

   Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.

   Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.