Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1583 of 6446

The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....
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06-03-2015 20:48 by Mark M
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meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..
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06-03-2015 17:40
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Coffee so bitter it blocked me on Facebook.
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06-03-2015 17:22
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According to my Timehop, I drank a lot on this day in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...
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06-03-2015 17:21
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National Running Day was a success. Ran to the fridge then back to the couch. Whew! I'm exhausted.
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06-03-2015 17:06
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Coffee so black it drop out of high school
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06-03-2015 16:13
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If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...
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06-03-2015 15:44 by eengrms
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Coffe so black it wants to start looting.
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06-03-2015 15:23
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"OMG, Have you heard the news?" "Yeah, they totally carried Huey Louis"
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06-03-2015 14:39
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Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.
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06-03-2015 14:30
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Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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06-03-2015 13:17
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Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?
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06-03-2015 12:33
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A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.
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06-03-2015 12:31
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Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich
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06-03-2015 12:30
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Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.
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06-03-2015 12:28
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Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach
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06-03-2015 12:02
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It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
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06-03-2015 10:11 by snotty
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I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom
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06-03-2015 10:04 by snotty
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Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.
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06-03-2015 09:58
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