Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it

   Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"

   Donald Trump go home you're drunk.

   I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he's fired ! !

   Oh, come on.. Who among us hasn't checked African American on an application?

   my life coach told me to just let the clock run out!

   i think my inner child really kinda runs the place!

   I sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he is f$cking all the girl spiders in my house.

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.

   Donald Trump is running for president. Are we on Candid Camera?

   I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.

   In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.

   "Hole of an ass you are..." ~ Yoda probably

   Having watched the entire season of a show before me doesn't make you better than me, it makes you more unemployed than me

   The next “60’s” are closer than the last “60’s”.