Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are writers who always give the best relationship advice, but are still single.

   if you use "tbh" and then someone calls you a ©unt. They are right

   I think the next time I have to tell my teenager to do something they don't want to do, I'll play a catchy 80s tune like the pharmaceutical commercials.

   With Obama and autocorrect, I don't have to take the blame for anything!

   I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.

   wondering if Yoda's last name is Lay-Hee-Hoo

   Psst...if you wanna have a Christmas Baby...tonight is the night.

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   If your favorite color eyes is bloodshot, I'm your guy.

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   The more you duck face, the less I like you.

   My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.

   i have completed 38 of the 50 shades of grey

   I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.

   They say, "Don't Text and Drive" but I've had 3 maybe 4 texts all day so I'm good, right?

   Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.

   The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.

   f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.