Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She is called a Bronze digger: when she has low standards.

   I'm "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.

   My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat

   Alcohol poisoning must suck. I can't imagine what it's like being poisoned by the one you love

   Her: where have you been my whole life? Me: chillin on my couch

   Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

   Nike: Just Do It. Crocs: Just Don't.

   I had an impromptu Earth Day celebration. I didn't planet.

   my kid said I can't wait until the Easter Bunny comes so I can eat it. I said if you eat the Easter Bunny she might come faster.

   It's Earth Day. I love the earth. There is something about the Earth that makes me constantly gravitate towards it.

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, who came up with "quit while you're ahead?"

   A recent survey asked some people if there are too many illegal aliens in the US. 23% said yes. 17% said no. the other 60% said, "no habla ingles."

   if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares

   My ex is great with a pole.... I have the bruises to prove it

   According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say "Why won't this crazy woman shut the hell up?"

   the government can record anything anytime from your cell phone camera. They have a lot of footage of me pooping.

   How many days prior to Easter is the correct time to post a silly status about the Easter Bunny coming??? ... asking for a friend.

   Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately? Tastes a little plane.

   If I had the cure for ebola, gamestop would buy it from me for $4.50..

   When I'm all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I'd never let that scenario become a reality.