Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:41 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:37 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon 4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:36 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:34 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:04 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:01 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:58 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yea, gun control is awesome...if you're the one controlling the guns.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 12:40 by DeeX Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three things that I learned today:1) I'm bad at Charades 2) There are no films called 'Choking' or 'Dial 999' 3) Grandad is .. I mean, was, allergic to peanuts.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 11:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 06:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
←Rate | 06-19-2015 14:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?
←Rate | 06-19-2015 14:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.
←Rate | 06-19-2015 14:25 by Czovczov Comments (0)  




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