Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 1577 of 6446

   messageicon I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!"
←Rate | 06-15-2015 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in
←Rate | 06-15-2015 07:23 by MWC Comments (0)  


   messageicon Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.
←Rate | 06-15-2015 07:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
←Rate | 06-14-2015 20:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.
←Rate | 06-14-2015 14:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.
←Rate | 06-14-2015 10:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 13:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!
←Rate | 06-13-2015 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 12:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date
←Rate | 06-13-2015 12:28 by Adriana Comments (0)  


   messageicon Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 10:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 09:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...
←Rate | 06-13-2015 07:55 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 06:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*
←Rate | 06-13-2015 01:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller
←Rate | 06-12-2015 22:31 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee
←Rate | 06-12-2015 18:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?
←Rate | 06-12-2015 18:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.
←Rate | 06-12-2015 15:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
←Rate | 06-12-2015 15:49 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left