Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1577 of 6446

I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!"
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06-15-2015 07:58
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Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in
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06-15-2015 07:23 by MWC
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Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.
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06-15-2015 07:16
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I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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06-14-2015 20:37
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If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.
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06-14-2015 14:09
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There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.
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06-14-2015 10:59
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Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.
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06-13-2015 13:02
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Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!
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06-13-2015 13:00
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A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.
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06-13-2015 12:40
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Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date
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06-13-2015 12:28 by Adriana
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Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.
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06-13-2015 10:15
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....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.
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06-13-2015 09:32
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I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...
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06-13-2015 07:55 by SEAN
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Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

[news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*
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06-13-2015 01:53
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why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller
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06-12-2015 22:31
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I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee
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06-12-2015 18:07
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?
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06-12-2015 18:02
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I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.
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06-12-2015 15:56
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Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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06-12-2015 15:49
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