Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

   Calm down Jihadists. If you're in that much of a hurry to see 72 virgins, just go to a Star Trek convention.

   I started homeschooling my kids and now we're allergic to gluten and don't believe in vaccines.

   Did a 5k today only instead of kilometers it was the number of calories I ate at lunch.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   I'm so old I remember when "LOL" meant "Laugh Out Loud" and not "I can't think of anything to reply with.""

   I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   My superpower is turning beer into pee.

   Yesterday we had Earth Hour as a reminder that we all need to take better care of Earth. I would also like to encourage you all to take better care of uranus.

   I'm ready to go mushroom hunting, because I have no morels

   If Mexico wanted to really harm the U.S., they would cut off our supply of drugs.

   Whats the difference between Sunnis and Shiites? Sunni's are attracted to goats while Shiite's are attracted to sheep.

   I have Hillary's private e-mail,It goes right to her campaign headquarters. You know, it's hillaryclinton@wallstreet.com

   "It looks like the Easter Bunny came here last night" "Let's not jump to any conclusions. Until we get these semen samples down to the lab we can't be sure who it was."