Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1577 of 6452

.What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?

A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...
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06-20-2015 17:37 by flinnie
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4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.
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06-20-2015 17:36 by huck
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People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.
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06-20-2015 17:34 by huck
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If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.

Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit

To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win

I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.

I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.
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06-20-2015 17:04 by flinnie
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Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.
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06-20-2015 17:01 by huck
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Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
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06-20-2015 16:59 by flinnie
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If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.
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06-20-2015 16:58 by huck
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Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

Yea, gun control is awesome...if you're the one controlling the guns.
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06-20-2015 12:40 by DeeX
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Three things that I learned today:1) I'm bad at Charades 2) There are no films called 'Choking' or 'Dial 999' 3) Grandad is .. I mean, was, allergic to peanuts.
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06-20-2015 11:56
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If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
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06-20-2015 06:52
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I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
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06-19-2015 14:54
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How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?
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06-19-2015 14:27
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I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.
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06-19-2015 14:25 by Czovczov
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