Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!"

   Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in

   Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.

   I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

   If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.

   There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.

   Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.

   Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!

   A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.

   Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   ....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*

   why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller

   I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee

   [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?

   I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.

   Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ