Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1575 of 6384
Thanks for inviting me to your Bible study, let's get balls deep in Jesus.
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04-02-2015 12:15
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I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.
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04-02-2015 11:57 by M
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I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there's my drink.
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04-02-2015 11:50
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Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.
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04-02-2015 11:39
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Jeremy Clarkson should start a cooking show. Abusing staff seems to be OK in kitchens on TV.
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04-02-2015 11:12
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My friend said that he and his wife wanted to swing by this weekend. I said we'd love that. I hope he didn't mean they wanted to swing bi.
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04-02-2015 09:26
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Serta has an icomfort mattress trying to emulate ipad, ipod imac. What's with adding an I that makes a mattress better. It doesn't, icall that a bunch of bull$hit. . .
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04-02-2015 06:44 by JAB
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I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.
Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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04-02-2015 05:45 by huck
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I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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04-02-2015 05:37 by flinnie
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"Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
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04-02-2015 05:36 by flinnie
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Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap
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04-02-2015 05:31 by huck
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.
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04-02-2015 05:30 by huck
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Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
I'm old enough to remember when Obama was committed to dismantling #Iran's nuclear program.
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04-01-2015 23:05
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Keeping a roll of Oreos down the front of your pants assures your blind date will be pleasantly surprised when you open your zipper.
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04-01-2015 21:24
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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
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04-01-2015 14:22
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My foot went to sleep in my team meeting yesterday, which wasn't a big deal until it started snoring.
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04-01-2015 10:11
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I slept like a log last night. Woke up this morning in the fireplace.
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04-01-2015 09:06
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