Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have any friends. Is enemies with benefits a thing?

   So apparently, BFF, does not stand for 'big fat friend'. sorry Maureen on FB.

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   I think you meant to say, "Leave things that don't exist alone you idiots"

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up

   "I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."

   Why in the world is there no bacon emoji.... It's really hard to text your grocery list when there's no emoji for bacon!!

   Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.

   I carry a yard sale sign around with me, so when my girlfriend throws all my sh*t onto the lawn I can just sell it there.

   If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..

   Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.

   emotional agony is a drug for some and they are forever in search of their dealer