Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Woman will take over my life again,,,,,whats that, be right there honey.!

   Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

   I just tossed two almonds in my bag of skittles. So now it's TRAIL MIX, and therefore healthy.

   I wonder if Guinness has a world record for "number of times you've had the exact same argument".

   "What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

   Happy birthday America, so what are we offended by today?

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.

   If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.

   "Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Did any one else get cat-fished by taco bells breakfast?

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on his ass and drink beer all afternoon.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.