Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's yellow and has wheels?... A banana, I lied about the wheels... Next question

   DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish

   Let's flip a coin. Heads I get tail. Tails I get head.

   If you carry the bricks from the past, you'll only end up building the same house..,,

   Let's just call a car what it really is....a mobile phone charger,,,

   I'm on a tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days, my keys, and my favorite heels.

   With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.

   Ketchup's popularity skyrocketed when they stopped calling it tomato jelly.

   Now that the 4th of July has come and gone, who's Right's, Belief's, or Heritage should we isht on this week?

   If being gay was so wrong, then why didn't it make it onto God's top 10 list?

   What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? About Tennish.

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   Am I the only one that thinks some of the Japanese players will be executed? #fifa

   I just heard my grandma yell "The United States is dropping the bomb on Japan again!"

   The Asians haven't been this embarrassed since William Hung was singing "She Bangs, She Bangs"

   Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.

   The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load

   If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.