Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

   Look all I'm saying is that if it was not meant to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco..

   My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.

   Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

   Her stripper name is "for god's sake, put some clothes on"

   fun fact: shut up

   Feeling Bored? Post a status on Facebook that says " Hillary Clinton 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   I´ll bet a beer that you won´t bring me one! *gotcha*

   You can't see the forest through the bees.

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

   Happy 4/21 -national surprise drug test day!

   I beleive in shopping locally. Thats why I am the town drunk.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow

   4-20... The day when it is obvious which of your friends are still mentally in high school.

   happy 4/20 ......smoke it if you got it

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   Got hit on by a total fox today! By that, I mean, she did not throw up when I said hi.

   Domino's Pizza changed their name to just Domino's because they're now serving even more $hitty food.

   I've stalked you recently because I couldn't find someone better.