Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   I need a night time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, pay my car note and utilities and buy a few groceries, so I can stay home and rest medicine.

   Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger.

   Karma: the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism: the ability to sit back, enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   I studied Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in "Mad Black Momma in Baltimore," I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done. Ok I will, he's done no good. . .

   Whatever low battery indicator. You aren't the bos

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done to make our lives better.

   n't it ironic how life starts sucking at the exact same time that you wake up every day?

   10 year old son: What was it like? ME: What was what like? SON: Being alive in the 1900's? ME: Go to your room.

   Whatever low batter indicator. You aren't the bos

   *Putting kids toys together* WIFE: Stick it in the other hole. ME: Why didn't you tell me that 5 years ago?

   I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.