Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   My wife's cooking is so bad she set off the neighbors smoke alarm!

   thinks the only thing worse than having to listen to Donald Trump is having to admit he's right! RIP Kate Steinle

   I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

   This lady behind me is reading what I'm writing while I'm waiting on line in the pharmacy. Can't wait till she .....aaaAAHHHHH! THAT'S RIGHT LADY!!!....Look away!

   I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.

   It's kinda messed up to think that peanut butter sandwiches could take out a considerable portion of the population.

   The silence of President Obama, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the rest of our black leaders on the killing of Kate Steinle sounds a lot like racism.

   I quess Kate Steinle didn't look enough like Obama's daughters for him to give a damn about her.

   They’re called mimosas because breakfast booze sounds too alcoholic-y.

   you never know a crossfitter works out just by looking at them, that's why they have to tell you about it every ten minutes.

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   Please stop calling it "guac" like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year. It's guacamole.

   thinks those that have the grass is greener complex are never happy unless they're miserable

   When the power goes out in WV...2% of the time a transformer has blown....18% of the time a tree has fell on the line...80% of the time someone wrecked into a Utility Pole.

   Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

   I would save a lot of money if they made all shirts the exact same color as salsa.

   What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...