Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   60 And Pregnant #UnpopularTelevisionShows.

   People who cancel their Facebook account are the real heroes.

   Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

   I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.

   "I enjoy long walks on the ocean"......................

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   I don't chase after girls, unless I have my inhaler with me.

   "Oh, you smoke cigarettes? Don't bother, I'll take myself to the friendzone."

   To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.

   Don't make me take my bra off.... Because without it.... you will see I have bigger balls than any guy out there!

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored

   never in my entire life have I cooked the right amount of spaghetti noodles.

   (At Costco) Hi can I just have a water bottle "Sorry sir all we have is this pack of 2,467 water bottles"

   I have Never faked a Sarcasm in my Life!