Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We will spend over 700 million dollars to take pictures of another planet when we have Veterans on our own Planet not getting the care that they deserve. This is a MESSED UP WORLD !!!

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying "You're not pregnant, have a nice day!"

   My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen.

   Follow your dream. Unless... it's a person. They'd call it stalking.

   I'm keeping up with the Kardashians ..... my dad I s gone too

   If by handyman you mean someone with a nice collection of wrenches that came with unassembled furniture then yes, I'm a handyman...

   The Grapes of Wrath is my favorite book title talking about a Woman drinking wine and angrily planning on burning your house to the ground.

   I'm "All the kids were free-range kids" years old.

   I hate not seeing someone for awhile and they tell you all the things they post in Facebook.

   Im acraid that I nade a maitake turning off autocorrd t

   Episode I of Star Wars is the best of the entire franchise and Jar Jar Binks is probably the greatest character to come from all 6 films

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches

   I told my wife that a cheating website had been hacked and marriages would be in ruins because of it. I just caught her deleting browser history from LittleDebbie.com.

   Basiji, in Iran, calls "Death To America" not the whole nation – Basijis are some minority brain-washed people like you who wrote this statement. The Radical party intimidates - forces - people and brings them to street.

   When considering joining a site offering secret infidelity but requires you register with a name/photo, a good alternative is to not do that

   I just found out that my dog doesn't like Bacon.. BACON !!... I don't think we can be best friends anymore.

   In 2001, we invade Iraq and Afghanistan on the intel that they "might" have weapons of mass destruction. In 2015, we give weapons of mass destruction to Iran while they chant "Death To America"

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen