Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes

   Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.

   I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   I'd use the Domino's app if they added interesting updates like "Dave is adding your toppings and his wife is cheating on him."

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored,,

   Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

   Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"

   I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."

   Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.

   I thought Pluto would have more hair.

   And for years I thought Pluto was a dog.

   Confirmed: The spacecraft near Pluto has a NIKON camera

   if 50 cents had a nickle for every bankruptcy joke

   So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...

   There we go... the first of a long series of Pluto's selfies...

   Waiting 2 hrs for an important call...hops in shower ....phone rings..

   Why Does My Feed Have To Be Clogged With Everything You Liked???

   The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap.