Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Ummmmm...... " ~ The first cow ever milked

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   I never heard of Lindsey Graham... Who is she?

   Trump For President! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!

   I tried to help a friend get a job but his email is p@ssyeater203. @.....

   either my mirror is WAY OFF, or I really do look like EVERY "before" picture ever.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.

   As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.

   I'm voting for Donald Trump just for the SNL jokes

   Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   Imagine being an adult who owns a stick that holds your phone just so you can be able to take photographs of your face.

   Waze "Beep Beep" is the new Facebook "Poke"

   If smoking weed destroys your short term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   Soon it'll be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-ups. Which will make it harder for aliens to know who to abduct.

   We will spend over 700 million dollars to take pictures of another planet when we have Veterans on our own Planet not getting the care that they deserve. This is a MESSED UP WORLD !!!

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying "You're not pregnant, have a nice day!"

   My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen.