Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes, they're usually 90 degrees.

   as many times as I've been called "that mother f*cker" in my life, I better be getting a Mother's Day card and gift too.

   I've decided to become a Veterinarian and a taxidermist so no matter what, you'll get your dog back.

   Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I......... Oh crap,,, did you see that? Daaaamn... She straight up ate him.

   HOT RACCOONS IN YOUR AREA WANT TO DO YOUR EYE MAKEUP TOMORROW MORNING

   One man's LOL is another man's WTF

   I haven't vacuumed since two thousand and Facebook .

   The 26.2 sticker in the rear window of my car is to signify how many beers I drink in a typical weekend.

   My parents never let me play with anything magical or watch anything violent as a kid. I just had family-friendly games trying to figure out who murdered this guy in the library with a wrench.

   Secure passwords are important. So I named my dog "x_9J6B=oM%"

   You can unfollow me on Twitter, unfriend me on Facebook, take down all our Instagram pics, and ignore all my texts, but you will never be able to unlick my butthole.

   The stock market was 4500 when Obama took office, today it's going to hit 19,000 #worstsocialistever

   A record 93 million Americans are out of work, and more people lost insurance than got insurance in last 5 years.

   Republicans don't want our country to be a 3rd world communist state like Obama does.

   "Dad, knock it off. That's Bruce Jenner" ~ Chelsea Clinton.

   My wife told me I need to grow up. I was speechless. Its really hard to talk with 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

   My 4 year old daughter just kicked me out of her tea party because I'm too moderate on immigration reform.

   Just got done with my Performance Appraisal and its pretty clear that my boss is clueless to the difference between a 'debacle' and a 'fiasco'.

   I just noticed that if I slouch over just right I can make my belly fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   I just noticed that I slouch over just right I can make my bell fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".