Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd better go, this work isn't going to pretend to do itself.

   if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.

   This is the last time I lie down naked on the subway tracks during rush hour. I hate when people are complaining for nothing

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"

   How come the official that handles the ball on every single play didn't notice they were under inflated??

   Maybe if Brady's wife gave him half heared BJ's, he would understand the depth of his cheating.

   See kids, cheaters DO win!

   BREAKING NEWS: Handsome rich man from New England forced to take 4 week vacation with Super Model Wife...Nations Weep...

   This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about banging her.

   Bill Belichick will still list Brady as "questionable" on the injury report for the first 4 games of next season.

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   A friend who just returned from a visit to the recently looted CVS in Baltimore said all that was left in the entire store was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards...

   What's it like to be married? Ever just wish that oncoming trailor truck would just cross that yellow line just a little when she's driving alone and not paying attention?

   If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   [Two sharks on work lunch breaks] "Ugh, whale and jellyfish... again?!?!" "I'm having seaweed because..." "WE KNOW KARL, YOUR VEGAN"

   I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people

   Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

   I think my maid stole money from my drawer. I just want her to come clean.

   The doctor gave my friends and I a prescription for our Twisted Sister addiction but we're not gonna take it..