Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1541 of 6384
Guys, hear me out on this one.. A zombie outbreak could be prevented altogether if people were buried with their shoe laces tied together. Boom, you’re welcome.
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05-12-2015 21:58 by BEGO
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"Crazy On You" by Heart sums up pretty much every relationship I've ever had.
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05-12-2015 17:27
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If you kiss her just right, the panties fall off all by themselves.
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05-12-2015 16:01
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Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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05-12-2015 16:00
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You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
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05-12-2015 15:54
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I really admire people who exercise. This cake is dedicated to you.
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05-12-2015 15:53
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Money can't buy love, but it can buy stuff. And I love stuff.
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05-12-2015 15:52
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"Has Tim Tebow been signed yet?" - Robert Kraft
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05-12-2015 15:37 by Gil
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.
He didn't notice it was flat cause they paid him off
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05-12-2015 12:51
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Waiter: Here's your Coke Mr. Brady. Tom: This Coke is *turns to camera* flat.
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05-12-2015 12:30
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My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto I dropped on the flow & this is how the war against machines begins.
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05-12-2015 12:29
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Tom Brady: So I said, "It isn't flat" and they were like, "yes it is" and I'm like, "no its not" Christopher Columbus: "I hear ya, man!"
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05-12-2015 11:58
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My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
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05-12-2015 11:53
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Blockbuster Idea: "Dancing with the Stars", but with stars.
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05-12-2015 11:51
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Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.
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05-12-2015 11:49
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They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
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05-12-2015 11:43
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Tom Brady should be forced to spend those 4 games at a Children's Hospital blowing up balloon animals.
if you don't want me to stare at your breasts, you shouldn't have such nice ones.
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05-12-2015 10:15
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I hope you enjoyed our orgy; please come again.
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05-12-2015 10:13
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