Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

   One day the mail man is going to murder my family and the dog is going to be like, "Haha... who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"

   Girl at party: "So, where is your significant other". Me: "In the car charging"

   My boyfriend asked me to act like a 'naughty school girl' so I forged him a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.

   4 out of 5 densits agree that shooting a lion is bad for the long term health of your business.

   Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.

   Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

   When I party I party hard, but I don't drink and drive. I take an ambulance.

   Everything is falling apart according to plan..

   This "In Private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. . . . . . Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Dear Roger Goodell,, Please remember the counsel you surround yourself with should be assets not asshats....

   Well if I was going to get a disease, getting legionnaires disease sounds like I should have a handle bar mustache and monocle while drinking scotch.

   Wish that the media was more interested in Hillary's emails than Tom Brady's deflated balls

   When you're working out in 108 degree heat and have to pull up your soggy underwear after going #2 FML

   I bet the guy that named the fireplace also named the hot air balloon.

   My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that's my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy the 45 minutes of Kenny Rogers greatest hits, and we'll be right with you.