Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love how my parents think that none of this is their fault.

   The more someone says, “you know,” the more I begin to feel better about myself.

   A badasss, is an idiot who survived.

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My junk is now 235 feet long.

   If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me..

   Coffee is my favorite coworker,,

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmil, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago.

   Ladies, if you are wondering if the guy in line behind you is staring at your ass, ask yourself one question, "Do I have an ass?" If your answer is yes, then yes.

   All you guys thinking of dressing as Tom Brady hold deflated balls this Halloween and thinking how original and funny it will be. Don't. It won't.

   Infertility doctors who miraculously make babies should be called VAGICIANS

   That's for caring enough to tell everyone on the internet how much you don't care about what people think about you, people that care.

   A co-worker told me 'happy hump day' before I finished my first cup of coffee. But its okay, he's dead now so it won't happen again.

   "Dad, will computers become self-aware and take over the world?" "Of course not son, that's why we have women"

   Make sure you talk to your kids about drugs. You might be over paying.

   If the NFL wants to punish Tom Brady, they shouldn't suspend him for four games. They should suspend his linemen for four games.

   Human rights bill currently prevents cabinet ministers from being executed by anti-aircraft missile.

   Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad."

   I get along best with people who don't get along with people.

   When a girl tells a guy he looks nice today, he thanks her. When a guy tells a girl she looks nice today, she goes home and throws away the outfit she wore yesterday.

   Girls with tattoos on your boobs, Why? We’re already looking at them.