Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.

   When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

   Jennifer Aniston has kept me in the Friends zone for years.

   - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

   The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   If you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.

   Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...I had to smash."

   The only exercise I've done this month is running out of money

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.

   I bet everything thing you eat and drink at Donald Trump's house has a hair in it.

   "I fear no man," I whisper, trembling before a group of women.

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

   I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.