Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   It's 2015, shouldn't we be calling him Middle Age Rock by now?

   The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock

   I broke my finger today, but on the other hand I'm completely fine

   I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

   You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

   When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder. They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

   Would a satisfying sleep be known as a 'snoregasm'?

   I really hurt my back today at the golf course,I fell off of the ball washing machine.