Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ust looked up from my phone and realized I was sitting in a restaurant that closed in 2007.

   When emptying email spam folder, why does anyone need to be asked are you sure you want to empty this folder. We do not need to be asked are you sure. Yes I am f#cking sure ! ! !

   I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!

   Race War Coming Soon to City near you.

   Dear Bryce Williams, White Lives Matter.

   Can you imagine the media coverage had the Virginia shooting taken place with the races flipped? Sad to see how biased the media is. I guess #whitelivesdontmatter, right?

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for selfies?

   With no power comes no responsibility... (During a power outage)

   Its national dogs day, weird its also the day they were allowed to start voting

   Happy National Dog Day to all da bitches.

   People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

   What's the inside temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm.

   I like to peel all of the labels off of my pill bottles and just write "surprise me" on them.

   So remember, ,, for every action,,,,, there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction

   So now that oil is so cheap,,,, maybe we should start drilling for black printer ink.

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so

   The saying goes, there's someone out there for everyone. Maybe your someone is way out there, on another planet. . .

   I just deleted all the German contacts from my phone. It's now Hans free

   I'm sorry I'm so emotional bro. It came with these skinny jeans and selfie stick.

   I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies