Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drank enough last night to kill a horse. In other news, anyone know where I can get a new horse?

   Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?

   The chemicals released in your brain during sex are the same as when you see someone trip while taking a selfie.

   Potty training my toddler was easy. It was teaching her to hold a phone and scroll through Twitter that was hard.

   Sorry I knocked your baby out of your arms during my air drum solo, but Metallica.

   Finding Bigfoot has been on the air for 5 years. It should be called Not Finding Bigfoot.

   I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.

   FUN PRANK: Purchase any item at a CVS,, and then toilet paper the whole store with your receipt...... TWICE

   I wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.

   onder what all those old mom's think now when they remember telling their little boys, eat all your Wheaties and you'll grow up to be a big strong man like Bruce Jenner? The irony is, Bruce Jenner is now an old mom.

   Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expecting their second child. They say they don’t care whether it’s a boy or girl just as long as it’s famou

   Now that Bruce Jenner is a woman does that make him a horrible driver ?

   To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??

   I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight

   We played our sports shirts and skins style in gym class. Whenever it was the guys turn to be shirts the girls won.

   Children of divorce like to complain, yet I'm the one who had to deal with both parents day in and day out.

   I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.

   New Jersey residents are being advised to NOT eat the fish washed up in the sewer. Which is ironic considering the sewer is the cleanest part of New Jersey.

   My retirement strategy is just me pretending to get sick and starting a gofundme account.

   Welcome to planet earth where when you see something unusual/abnormal/weird or out of the ordinary and point it out and suddenly you are labelled a hater and accused of being judgmental. SMH