Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.

   My dentist said I grind at night. I said, I think the kids call it twerking now.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   Pro tip: buy the cheap vodka and run it through your Brita water filter a few times..

   This lady in Walmart is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

   What if the Lottery is an institution to catch time travelers..?

   *stops to smell the roses* *steps in dog poop..

   It's National Beaver Day.

   Spandex: a Right, not a Privilege.

   A group of girls with a selfie stick is called a travesty.

   You had me at "hello," But lost me at "bae"

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily everafter. . .

   "You gonna eat that?" My wife asks,,,, pointing to my words.

   Bar B Que Bacon Cheese Burger... The best part of my day.

   one thing I have learned from the latest 24 hour news cycle... You can limp wrist a Glock and it will still function

   ust looked up from my phone and realized I was sitting in a restaurant that closed in 2007.

   When emptying email spam folder, why does anyone need to be asked are you sure you want to empty this folder. We do not need to be asked are you sure. Yes I am f#cking sure ! ! !

   I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!

   Race War Coming Soon to City near you.