Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   My neighbours sex sounded so good I made them a Sandwich..

   "For the record I made women from men before it was cool." - GOD

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.

   I like my wine like I like my men, inside me.

   Today is National Cheese Day! So let us each take a moment and pray for all the hapless imbeciles in the world who foolishly ask "Would you like that with Cheese?"

   Coffee so strong I see noises.

   Sepp Blatter is being investigated by FBI regarding his illicit relationship with Bruce Jenner.

   Education is important but happy hour is importanter.

   They praise and call Brice brave for changing into a woman. They hail it as an achievement. This world has really gone to the dogs. I remember a time when bravery was risking your life fighting against the Nazi. Achievement was landing on the moon.

   We now return to PAWN STARS: How much can I get for this genuine 100 dollar bill.... The best I can do is $25..... Thinks for 5 minutes.... Deal

   The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....

   meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..

   Coffee so bitter it blocked me on Facebook.

   According to my Timehop, I drank a lot on this day in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...