Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bull crap..

   If a person has an imaginary friend, it's crazy. If several people have the same imaginary friend, it's religion.

   I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.

   Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.

   At work since 6am, awake since 7am.

   According to my Magic Watch you're not wearing any Panties,. Oh You Are Wearing Panties. Well Then It must be running 15 min fast.

   I don't "drink". I expedite my bedtime.

   Be thankful your GPS doesn't get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”

   Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack. Or her multiple affairs while being married. Cons...lol

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Retail Stores: "It's September 1st! Time to put out all the Christmas crap...."

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   I got in touch with my feminine side today by burning a house down over a text message

   "Welcome to Costco, I love you."

   Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...

   I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.

   Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.

   I haven't heard anything about Farmville lately. Did those guys sell out to Monsanto?

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes"?

   My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.